Immaculate Conception
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr
Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance , a door to door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam, I've come to……."
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good "I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathroom, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions,
and I shoot from six seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My that's a lot of...."
gasped Mrs Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure".
"Don't I know it," Mrs Smith said quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on top of a bus in London"
"Oh my God"
Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?"
asked Mrs Smith"Yes I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, trying to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?"
asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes" the photographer said "and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in".
Mrs Smith leaned forward "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right, Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on, Its much too big for me to hold, it's very long.
Madam? Madam? ...... Good Lord, she's fainted??
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve
, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is:
Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
…….
…….
……..
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here.
That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
…….
…….
…….
…….
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen, either
- 7/18/2009 12:06:07 AM
TRAINING COURSES FOR WOMEN
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects;
40030. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
40031. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
40032. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
40033. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
40034. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
40035. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
40036. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
40037. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
40038. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
40039. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
40040. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
40041. Introduction to Parking
40042. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
40043. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
40044. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
40045. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
40046. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
40047. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
40048. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
40049. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
40050. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
40051. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
40052. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
40053. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
40054. TV Remotes: For Men Only